fight like a girl
KRIKOR JABOTIAN Akhtamar Collection 2014
Deer by Lu He (鹿菏)
How odd. I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been, but I think I’m happier.
Not because of the 5-hour nonstop classes. That’s beyond tiring. I feel dead.
It’s that I feel like half a married couple already.
I started my first ‘real’ experiment in polyamory. I’m currently dating two people, one of which is very familiar with the concept, and another who is just learning.
I feel very emotionally invested in my
primary relationship. I’m not sure we *can* get any closer, though…*shrugs* Time will tell.
I’m confident we will remain close no matter what. After all, this evolved out of a friendship. It’ll stay that way, most likely.
I’m not usually one to get the stomach butterflies but I am now, and it is the oddest feeling.
On the one hand, I feel like we have a depth of understanding that’s unusual in most people. On the other, I’m squeeing like a fangirl and it’s embarrassing.
I suppose there are a few things I’m worried about, though. My
secondary other partner (?) is still figuring out how poly works, and isn’t sure exactly what he wants out of a relationship that’s open. That, and because it’s a new idea dropped on him like an anvil…He’s still getting his footing. Which he’s doing remarkably well. I think that will mean interesting things in the future. He’s very accepting and kind.
I guess I’m a bit worried about matters relating to sexuality too. My other partner has a marked preference for men, and I’m not male. I’m concerned he might be uncomfortable, but we’ll communicate and things will be easier. The sexual component of this relationship is hardly pivotal. I’m more concerned about his comfort. If it’s just snuggles and shenanigans, that would be OK too.
The most important thing is closeness. I’m confident that won’t change.
I know that in psychology relationships are often divided into stages, and the first one is the euphoric ‘honeymooning’ stage. I have only experienced such a thing once before, and that was years ago. Remembering it is an experience.
I like the balance we have. We live very separate lives, in a way. We go about our separate classes and days. There’s no expectation that we’re constantly mooning after each other, like a lot of relationships I’ve seen. But we have instant emotional availability when it’s asked for. If we feel up to it, we cuddle and watch things or have an adventure. And if we need space, we get it.
I am very happy. I very rarely say this, but now is a happy moment. It should be recognized and savored.
Life is slowly coalescing into a coherent form.
Illustrations by Emimino
Illustrations by Emimino
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